Beyond The Wait...
A Newsletter for Those Navigating the Complex Emotions of Infertility
Issue #28 23rd March 2026
Dear Reader,
I have been thinking a lot about hope recently.
When the word hope comes up, people often think of the perfect, Instagram-friendly version of hope, or of "staying positive." But hope is complicated and our relationship with it can feel exhausting on this “journey”.
In my experience, both professionally and personally, hope during infertility is one of the most emotionally tough things to navigate. It was something I struggled with a lot during my own fertility journey, and it is something I hear from clients and from you, this community, again and again.
So this month, I want to talk about it honestly.
Deep Dive: The Impossible Task of Getting Hope "Right"
There is the bind so many people find themselves in on the fertility journey.
In one moment, you fear you are hoping too much. If you let yourself really believe this cycle will work, really imagine holding your baby, really start to plan and then it doesn't happen, you worry the fall out will be catastrophic. So, you try not to go there. You manage your expectations and remind yourself not to get carried away.
In another moment, you fear not hoping enough. Somewhere, in the back of your mind, is the thought (often reinforced by messaging around you) that your mindset matters. That if you go into this negatively, maybe that will affect your chances. That maybe your pessimism is part of the problem.
So, you get this stuck feeling. You try to hope the exact “right” level. Not too much, not too little. Trying to feel the precise amount that gives you the best shot at success, while also protecting yourself from the worst of the pain.
But this is an impossible task. And the pressure to get it right adds a layer of suffering on top of an already unbelievably hard journey.
The Myth That Your Mindset Controls the Outcome
I think this needs addressing directly because I think it causes enormous harm.
You cannot think yourself into a positive pregnancy test. You cannot manifest a blastocyst. Pessimism did not cause your infertility, and sadly optimism will not cure it.
What that message actually does is add guilt and self-blame to an experience that is already full of both. It tells you that your emotional responses, the very natural, understandable grief, fear, and exhaustion of this journey, are somehow going to impact your outcome. That you need to manage and suppress them, rather than allow and process them.
There is no magic emotional requirement for getting pregnant. There is just you managing the best you can, in one of the hardest situations a person can face.
What Hope Actually Looks Like on This Journey
I think we are being sold a very narrow version of hope. The kind that means never doubting, never grieving and always believing the next cycle will be the one.
But in reality, that is just a performance and is exhausting to maintain.
Real hope on the fertility journey can be much more nuanced. It is getting out of bed and going to the next appointment, even when part of you is dreading it. It is letting yourself cry, ordering a takeaway, and watching something terrible on TV, because you are still here and still going. It is booking that holiday you kept putting off, because you have decided to live your life even while you are waiting.
Two things can be true: you can be terrified this won't work AND you can still be here, trying. That is hugely courageous.
Trusting Where Your Body and Mind Are At
One of the things I had to learn (it took a long time and was never perfected), was that wherever I was emotionally in any given cycle was okay. Some months I felt something close to optimism. Other months I was already grieving before the result came. Both were valid. Both were my nervous system doing its best with the information it had.
Your emotional responses are your body and your mind telling you what they need right now.
If you are protecting yourself with some distance from hope, that is not weakness. It comes from your experiences so far and deserves to be listened to. If you are allowing yourself to feel excited about a cycle, that is not naïve, it might be what is needed to help you plod on.
There is no wrong way to feel on this journey. The only thing that matters is that you are not suppressing your emotions entirely, that you are giving them space to be felt, rather than pushing them down and carrying on.
This Week's Self-Care Exercise: A Letter to Hope
This one might feel a little uncomfortable, and that is okay. Sit somewhere quiet with a pen and paper, or open a notes app, and write a short letter to hope. Treat it like a complicated relationship, because that is exactly what it is.
You might want to include:
• What hope has meant to you on this journey - where it has helped you keep going
• Where hope has hurt - the times it made the fall harder
• What you wish hope could look like for you right now
• What you need from hope going forward - even if that feels uncertain
There are no right answers. This is not about arriving at some perfect relationship with hope. It is simply about giving yourself permission to acknowledge how complicated this all is.
You don’t have to share this with anyone. It is just for you.
Let me know your thoughts
How do you navigate hope on this journey? Do you recognise that impossible balance between hoping too much and not enough? I would genuinely love to hear from you.
Your reflections shape this newsletter more than you know, and they remind me why this community exists.
Remember Reader: You did not choose this, it is not your fault, and you are not alone.
With compassion,
Dr. Grace 💕
@thenotsofertilepsychologist
