Beyond The Wait...
A Newsletter for Those Navigating the Complex Emotions of Infertility
Issue #30 218th May 2026
Dear Reader,
Despite the sunshine and warmer weather, I think May can feel like a month of pressure when you’re on the fertility journey. Everything is blooming, everything looks hopeful, and people are fully out of winter hibernation. But when you're on a fertility journey, these shifts can just add to the sense that time is moving on, and while for others it brings change and hope, for you change is yet to come.
It can also, I've noticed, be a time when the mental checklist feels huge. Have I tried that supplement? Should I be doing acupuncture? Am I eating the right things, thinking the right thoughts, doing enough (and being enough) to make this happen?
This month, I want to explore that question. Not to provide a long list of things you should do but to dive a bit deeper into it.
Deep Dive: "Am I Doing Enough?" And The Challenges This Question Brings
The Checklist Culture of Fertility
If you've spent any time in fertility spaces (online forums, Instagram, even conversations with well-meaning friends) you'll know that the advice is relentless. Take CoQ10. Cut out caffeine. Try acupuncture. Do yoga but not too intensely. Stay positive. Manifest. Meditate. Research your clinic's success rates. Get a second opinion. Try this protocol. Ask about that supplement. Go gluten-free. Try therapy. Try hypnotherapy. Try everything.
The message, even when it comes from a place of genuine care, is that there is more you could be doing. And, if you're not doing it, you might be missing the thing that makes the difference.
No wonder so many people arrive in my therapy room utterly exhausted. It’s not just from the treatment itself, but from the relentless effort it takes to try and find the answer.
Where the "Do More" Pressure Comes From
It is totally understandable. When we are faced with something that feels completely out of our control, we reach for anything that gives us a sense of agency. Researching, making lifestyle changes, and planning, are all ways of saying “I’m doing something”, and that impulse makes complete psychological sense.
Advice is also thrown at you left, right and centre so it’s really hard not to feel you need to be doing more.
And yes, many of the things’ people try (the supplements, the diets, the lifestyle changes), may offer benefits for general health, and for some people in some circumstances, some of them may genuinely help. I am not here to dismiss any of that.
But there is a significant difference between supporting your health and believing that if you just try hard enough, you can control the outcome. I would love it if we had full control of the outcomes, all of you would have your hoped-for baby by now, but sadly that is just not the case. And believing we do have full control, just makes things harder.
The Part Nobody Wants to Say Out Loud
So much of fertility comes down to luck.
I know that is genuinely hard to hear. It was hard for me to sit with on my own journey. But I think it is important because the alternative (the belief that the outcome is primarily a function of effort) places a huge burden on people who are already carrying so much.
Egg quality, sperm quality, chromosomal outcomes, implantation are not things that are fully within our power to control, no matter how many supplements we take or how positive we manage to stay. The biology is complex, imperfect, and in many cases, unpredictable. Clinicians with decades of experience will tell you the same thing - sometimes there is no identifiable explanation for a poor outcome. Sometimes it just is what it is, and that is not a reflection of how hard you tried.
The worst thing about the "do more" narrative is what it implies when things don't work. That somehow, you didn't try hard enough. That if you'd just researched one more protocol, cut out that one glass of wine, or managed to stay more positive, the outcome might have been different. This is not true and yet it is the conclusion so many people come to about themselves.
Two Things Can Be True
You can take good care of yourself AND acknowledge that much of this is outside your control. You can do everything that feels right for your body AND accept that doing everything right does not guarantee the outcome you are hoping for. You can keep going AND let go of the belief that trying harder is the answer.
Letting go here is not the same as giving up. It is an act of self-compassion - choosing to stop holding yourself responsible for something you cannot fully control.
You are doing enough. And even if the outcome is not what you hoped for, it will not be because you failed.
This Week's Self-Care Exercise: Leaves on a Stream
This is a simple mindfulness practice drawn from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, and it is particularly helpful when your mind is full of worried thoughts, including the "am I doing enough?" ones.
Find somewhere quiet and comfortable. Close your eyes, or soften your gaze. Take a few slow breaths.
Imagine you are sitting beside a gently moving stream. The water is calm, flowing slowly. Now, notice any thoughts that arise. The worries, the checklists, the what-ifs, the "should I have done more?" Begin to place each thought, as it arises, onto a leaf floating on the water. You're not pushing the thought away. You're simply placing it down, and watching it drift.
Some leaves will come back. That's okay. Place them back gently, trying not to get frustrated. You're not trying to empty the stream. You're simply practising not holding on.
And if you have the thought “I’m not doing this right” place that thought on a leaf and let that one go too.
Stay with this for five minutes or so, if you can. When you're ready, take a breath, and return.
Let me know your thoughts
Does the "am I doing enough?" question feel familiar? I'd love to hear how it shows up for you and what, if anything, has helped. As always, your responses shape what comes next.
Remember Reader: You did not choose this, it is not your fault, and you are not alone.
With compassion,
Dr. Grace 💕
@thenotsofertilepsychologist
