Beyond The Wait...
A Newsletter for Those Navigating the Complex Emotions of Infertility
Issue #29 20th April 2026
Dear Reader,
How many times have you been told to "just relax"? I bet hundreds. And every time, I imagine it felt extremely unhelpful and bloody infuriating.
This week, I want to talk about relaxation. Not to tell you to do more of it, but to explore the evidence around whether “not relaxing” causes infertility.
Deep Dive: The "Just Relax" Myth and What Actually Helps
The Myth
The idea that stress causes infertility is one of the most persistent (and harmful) messages in the fertility space. You'll hear it talked about in all kinds of ways: "stress is toxic to conception," "your body won't allow a pregnancy if you're too tense," "I know someone who got pregnant the moment they stopped thinking about it."
These statements place the burden of infertility on you and your nervous system. They suggest that if you were only calmer, more zen, more at peace, you'd have your baby by now.
But I want to be very clear, this is not supported by the evidence. Stress does not cause infertility!
What the Evidence Actually Says
Yes, chronic stress can have an impact on general health, including some hormonal pathways, but the research does not support stress as a primary driver of infertility in otherwise healthy individuals. What it does show is something that, if you're on this journey, you already know. Infertility causes stress. Lots of stress.
The anxiety of the two-week wait, the grief of a failed cycle, the hypervigilance of tracking every symptom, the exhaustion of vitamins, medication, injections etc., the social minefield of baby showers, announcements, and innocent questions about your plans.
Not relaxing is not the problem. Not relaxing is the entirely understandable response to an enormously difficult situation.
Why "Pretending Everything Is Okay" Doesn't Work
What gets missed in all the "just relax" advice is that genuine stress reduction and pretending to be fine are not the same thing.
When people tell you to relax, what they often mean, consciously or not, is “stop showing your feelings about this”, put on a mask of being okay and hope for the best.
But suppressing emotions doesn't reduce stress. Research consistently shows it tends to increase it. When we push feelings down, they don't disappear, they stay in the body and come out in unexpected moments, and they require lots of energy to contain. Pretending everything is okay is in itself exhausting.
I have seen this so many times, both clinically and from my own past experience on this journey. People who have been "staying positive" for months, years even, who arrive at therapy completely depleted because they have been working so hard not to feel.
What Actually Helps
So, if the answer isn't to relax, what is it?
It is, of course, more complicated than a single answer but, both the research and clinical experience, point toward allowing your feelings, not suppressing them.
This doesn't mean being overwhelmed by emotion all of the time, or losing yourself in grief permanently. It means creating space to actually feel what is there. The sadness, the anger, the fear, the love, the longing, and acknowledging it as valid and understandable, rather than something to be pushed away.
When we allow feelings to be felt, they tend to move through us rather than getting stuck. When we validate our own experience rather than shutting it down, we build resilience.
Two things can be true: supporting your wellbeing and managing your stress matters AND the way to do that is not to “just relax” and pretend everything is okay.
A Note on What Genuine Care Actually Looks Like
There is a version of "relaxation" that I do believe in. Genuine, kind, self-care. Acknowledging the fact that your body and mind are going through something gruelling. Giving yourself permission to rest, to grieve, to feel whatever is present without adding a layer of shame on top of it.
Saying to yourself, "of course this is hard, of course you are struggling", is genuinely regulating. Not because it makes the infertility disappear but because it stops you fighting yourself on top of everything else.
You did not cause your infertility by not relaxing enough. Pretending to be calm will not help. Being honest about how hard it is, and offering yourself the same compassion you would extend to anyone else on this path, will help you through this.
This Week's Self-Care Exercise: The Permission Slip
This week, I'd like you to write yourself a permission slip. In a journal, on your phone, or just quietly in your own mind, finish this sentence as many times as feels true:
"I give myself permission to feel ______, because this journey is genuinely hard and my feelings make sense."
You might write: "I give myself permission to feel angry, because this journey is genuinely hard and my feelings make sense."
Or: "I give myself permission to feel exhausted, without having to justify it."
Or even: "I give myself permission to feel all of this, without needing to relax."
Notice any resistance that comes up. Any part of you that says you shouldn't feel these things. That part has probably been working very hard for a very long time. You can acknowledge it and gently let it know it doesn't have to work quite so hard today.
Let me know your thoughts
Has the "just relax" message ever landed with you, and how did it feel? I'd genuinely love to hear. Your experiences shape what I write here, and every response matters.
Remember Reader: You did not choose this, it is not your fault, and you are not alone.
With compassion,
Dr. Grace 💕
@thenotsofertilepsychologist
