Beyond The Wait...
A Newsletter for Those Navigating the Complex Emotions of Infertility
Issue #23 20th October 2025
Dear Reader,
Baby Loss Awareness Week has drawn to a close, ending with the Wave of Light, a beautiful, heartbreaking moment where families across the world light candles in memory of their babies.
I lit a candle for my baby, the one I lost almost two a year ago after my first round of IVF. And as I watched the flame flicker, I found myself thinking about all of you on this journey, and how heavy this week may have been.
Whether you have a baby to light a candle for or not, I want to acknowledge what you might be carrying right now.
Deep Dive: The Weight of Baby Loss Awareness Week
Baby Loss Awareness Week serves a vital purpose. It breaks the silence around pregnancy and infant loss, it honours babies gone too soon, and it provides community for grieving families.
But for those navigating infertility, this week can be complicated in ways that others might not understand.
For Those Who Have Experienced Loss
If you've lost a baby, whether through miscarriage, chemical pregnancy, stillbirth, or infant loss, this week may have brought your grief rushing to the surface.
Almost two years ago, I experienced what some call a "chemical pregnancy" following my first round of IVF. For a while, I questioned if this even counted as a loss. After all, it was so early. I questioned the validity of my response and tried to brush my emotions aside.
But it hurt. And I needed to grieve.
A loss is a loss, regardless of what time point it takes place.
And losses during infertility are so brutal. We’ve already been through so much to get to that positive test. The months or years of trying. The medications. The procedures. The hope we’d tried so hard to hold on to, but not too strongly.
That positive test isn’t just a line on a stick, it’s everything we've been fighting for. And when we loss that desperately wanted baby, the loss is huge. It’s the loss of hope. The loss of what we’d imagined. The life we dreamed of building with them. The loss compounding all the losses that came before (every month of negative tests, every changed timeline, every sacrifice we had to make).
Your emotional response is always valid.
You need to allow space to grieve all losses - no matter how early, no matter what anyone else thinks.
For Those Who Haven't Experienced Pregnancy Loss
But what if you don't have a baby to light a candle for? What if you haven't experienced pregnancy loss, but this week still felt impossibly heavy?
You don't need to have lost a pregnancy to experience profound loss on the fertility journey.
There is the loss of the timeline you imagined. The loss of conceiving naturally like you thought you would. The loss of your identity before infertility consumed everything. The loss of spontaneity, of financial security, of friendships that changed. The loss of trust in your body. And biggest of all, the loss of the baby you imagine, month after month after month.
These losses are real. They deserve to be acknowledged. And they're absolutely brutal to carry.
I've witnessed how isolating it feels when your grief doesn't fit into the boxes people recognise. When there's no funeral, no marker, no moment that others acknowledge as "real loss". When you feel excluded from conversations about baby loss because you "don't qualify".
But your pain is valid. Your exhaustion is understandable. Your grief matters.
The Compound Nature of It All
What I've noticed is that at the core of suffering through infertility is compound loss.
It's not just the absence of a baby. It's the gradual accumulation of losses that pile up, month after month, year after year. Each negative test isn't just about that cycle, it carries the weight of every disappointment that came before. Each pregnancy announcement isn't just about their joy, it's tangled with the loss of shared experiences you'd imagined having together.
And these losses aren't linear. Just when you think you've processed one aspect, another layer reveals itself.
Holding Space for What Comes Next
I want you to know that, however baby loss awareness week made you feel, whatever losses you're carrying, you're not alone in this.
You don't have to have lost a pregnancy for your grief to be valid. You don’t have to have been a certain number of weeks/months pregnant. You don't have to light a candle to be part of this community. You don't have to explain your pain to anyone.
Your experience is valid. All of it.
This Week's Self-Care Exercise: Acknowledging Your Losses
This week, I invite you to gently acknowledge the losses you're carrying, whatever they look like for you.
Find a quiet moment and complete these sentences in a journal or in your mind:
"On this fertility journey, I have lost..."
Allow yourself to list everything that comes to mind. Not just pregnancy losses, but all losses. The timeline, the innocence, the relationships, the financial security, the spontaneity, the trust in your body, the imagined future.
Then, for each loss you've named, try saying: "This loss is real. It deserves acknowledgement."
You don't need to do anything with this list. You don't need to "process" it or "move on" from it. Simply witnessing and acknowledging what you're carrying can be enough for today.
Let me know your thoughts
How was Baby Loss Awareness Week for you? I'd love to hear how you're feeling as we move forward from this heavy week.
Remember Reader: You did not choose this, it is not your fault, and you are not alone.
With compassion,
Dr. Grace 💕
@thenotsofertilepsychologist
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