Beyond The Wait...
A Newsletter for Those Navigating the Complex Emotions of Infertility
Issue #20 11th August 2025
Dear Reader,
The fertility journey doesn't happen in isolation. It has an impact on almost every relationship we value - sometimes bringing us closer, sometimes creating unexpected distance. Whether it's with a partner, family members, or close friends, the pressure, hormones, and emotional toll of trying to conceive can test even our strongest bonds in ways we never anticipated.
Deep Dive: How Fertility Challenges Transform Our Relationships
When we're at the start of our fertility journey, it's easy to assume our relationships will remain unchanged. But the reality is often very different, and relationships change, often in subtle ways that catch us off guard.
The Unspoken Pressure
One of the most challenging aspects is how fertility struggles can create an invisible pressure. For those with partners, there's the pressure to "stay positive" for each other, the pressure to make decisions together when you're both emotionally exhausted, and the pressure to maintain intimacy when everything feels clinical and scheduled.
You might also find yourselves grieving differently - one person ready to talk while the other needs space, one holding onto hope while the other feels only fear about outcomes. This isn't a flaw in your relationship; it's totally understandable to respond to trauma and uncertainty differently. But it can feel isolating at a time you most need to feel connected.
And aside from the partner relationship, the pressure might come from well-meaning family or friends who don't understand why you can't "just be positive" or who question your choices about treatment timing or decisions.
Hormones and Emotional Overwhelm
Let's be honest about something we don't discuss enough: the hormonal impact of fertility treatments can fundamentally change how we show up in relationships. The mood swings, anxiety, and emotional sensitivity that come with medications create relationship challenges.
You might find yourself snapping at people you love over small things, or feeling overwhelmed by conversations that would normally feel manageable. Your capacity for emotional regulation may be compromised, making it harder to navigate the normal ups and downs of close relationships.
Different Coping Strategies
We all cope differently, and fertility struggles often highlight these differences in big ways. Some people need to research everything, while others prefer to focus on day-to-day life. Some find comfort in talking through every detail, while others need periods of not discussing it at all.
In partnerships, this can create friction when one person wants to dive deep into treatment options while the other feels overwhelmed by the information. With family and friends, it might mean they're trying to help in ways that don't actually feel helpful to you - offering advice when you need listening, or trying to distract you when you need to process.
Exhaustion
This journey is exhausting in ways people can't understand unless they've lived it. The physical exhaustion from treatments, the emotional exhaustion from constant disappointments, and the mental exhaustion from constant decision-making all impact how much energy we have for relationships.
You might find yourself struggling to be present for a friend's celebration, or feeling too drained to have meaningful conversations with your partner at the end of treatment-heavy days. This isn't selfishness, it's your nervous system trying to manage an incredibly demanding situation.
When Others Don't Understand
Perhaps one of the most painful relationship challenges is when people close to us simply don't get it. They might say things like "just relax and it'll happen" or "maybe it's not meant to be," not realising how deeply these comments hurt.
They often genuinely want to help but their attempts to fix or minimise your pain can leave you feeling more isolated. You might find yourself withdrawing from people who used to feel like safe spaces, again creating distance just when you need connection most.
The Ripple Effect
All of these factors create a ripple effect. When we're struggling to connect with one person, it can impact our confidence in other relationships. When we're feeling misunderstood by family, we might become more sensitive to comments from friends. When we're exhausted from treatment, we have less patience for everyone.
It’s important to hold in mind that fertility challenges affect our relational health too.
Finding Your Way Back to Connection
The good news is that relationships can also be sources of healing and strength during this journey. The key is often about communicating needs clearly, setting gentle boundaries, and creating intentional spaces for connection that aren't defined by fertility struggles.
Remember that it's okay to:
- Ask for what you need from people you love
- Take breaks from relationships that feel draining right now
- Be honest about your capacity on difficult days
- Acknowledge that this journey is changing you, and that's normal
This Week's Self-Care Exercise: Fertility-Free Connection Time
This week, I want you to intentionally carve out fertility-free time with someone you love. This might be a partner, a close friend, a family member, or even a group.
Here's how:
- Choose your person/people: Who in your life feels like a safe, loving presence right now?
- Set the intention: Let them know you'd like to spend some time together that doesn't involve discussing fertility, treatment, or timeline pressures.
- Pick the activity: Choose something that feels nourishing - perhaps cooking together, going for a walk, watching a film, playing a game, or simply sitting and chatting about anything else.
- Protect the space: If fertility topics come up naturally, gently redirect: "I'm really enjoying this break from thinking about all that - can we talk about that another time?". You may also want to list some other “no go” topics – their children, other people’s pregnancy announcements etc.
- Notice what happens: Pay attention to how it feels to connect as this version of yourself, not the version dealing with fertility challenges.
This isn't about pretending the fertility journey doesn't exist. It's about remembering that you are more than this struggle, and your relationships can be nourished by all the other parts of who you are.
A Personal Note
Before I finish, I want to be honest about something. As you may have noticed, I've been struggling to keep up with sending these newsletters weekly. The irony isn't lost on me that, while writing about the pressure’s fertility puts on relationships, I'm feeling the pressure this journey puts on my own commitments and capacity.
Rest assured, you'll always receive Beyond the Wait at least once a month - that's my commitment to you. I'll endeavour to send it more frequently when I can, but I'm learning to extend myself the same compassion I encourage in you. Some weeks, my energy needs to go elsewhere, and that's okay.
Thank you for your patience and for being part of this community. Your stories and responses mean more than you know.
Remember Reader: You did not choose this, it is not your fault, and you are not alone.
With compassion,
Dr. Grace 💕
@thenotsofertilepsychologist
