Beyond The Wait...
A Newsletter for Those Navigating the Complex Emotions of Infertility
Issue #19 21st July 2025
Dear Reader,
Hi from a sun-soaked holiday! I've just had two wonderful weeks away, my first proper time off in months. As I sit here reflecting on this time off, I'm struck by how even a holiday can be impacted by fertility.
During these two weeks, I've had moments of pure joy - lazy mornings, spontaneous adventures, and the luxury of time without schedules or appointments. But I've also had some fertility "bumps" along the way.
What caught me off guard was how quickly I started beating myself up for not just being grateful. "Grace, you have the privilege of two weeks away," I told myself. "You should just be happy. Look at this beautiful place. Stop being so focused on……"
But gratitude on the fertility journey is rarely straightforward.
Deep Dive: Holding Gratitude and Grief Together
One of the most complex emotional challenges we face during fertility struggles is the pressure we put on ourselves to "just be grateful" for what we have. Well-meaning friends remind us of our “blessings”. Social media tells us gratitude is the key to happiness. And our own minds bring guilt when we dare to feel sad about our situation.
But genuine gratitude doesn't require us to silence our grief.
The Gratitude Trap
When we're struggling with fertility, there's often an underlying message that we should be grateful enough that our grief disappears. "At least you can afford treatment/qualified for NHS treatment," "At least you have a supportive partner," “At least it’s only been a year”, “At least you have one child”. These statements, while pointing to real privileges, can feel like emotional shutdowns rather than genuine support.
This creates what I call the "gratitude trap", which is the belief that if we were truly grateful for what we have, we wouldn't feel so devastated by what we don't have. It's as if gratitude and grief can't coexist, when in reality, there is space for both.
The Both/And of Fertility
The truth is, two things can be true at once. You can be deeply grateful for your ability to access treatment AND devastated that you need it in the first place. You can appreciate having a partner who shares your dreams AND feel overwhelmed by the strain this journey puts on your relationship. You can be thankful for time away to rest AND still feel triggered by the families you are surrounded by.
This isn't contradiction. It's the complex reality of human emotion.
During my holiday, I realised I was trying to use gratitude to push away my grief. When I was struggling, I immediately tried to counter it with thoughts of all I should be thankful for. But this only made me feel worse. Then I was sad about my struggles AND guilty for not being grateful enough.
What Gratitude Actually Looks Like on This Journey
Real gratitude during fertility challenges isn't about suppressing difficult emotions. Instead, it's about creating space for appreciation while still honouring your losses and longings.
It might look like:
- Feeling genuinely grateful for your medical team while also acknowledging how exhausting treatment is
- Appreciating having NHS funding while still feeling the financial strain
- Being thankful for one pregnancy while grieving subsequent losses
- Recognising the privilege of choice in treatment options while feeling overwhelmed by those very choices
Noticing What Serves You
Take a moment to consider what you're genuinely grateful for on this journey - not what you think you should be grateful for, but what actually brings you comfort or strength:
Maybe it's having a partner who hugs you when you cry. Maybe it's a friend who never offers empty platitudes but just listens. Maybe it's your body's resilience through treatments, even when it feels like it's failing you. Maybe it's having access to support that previous generations didn't have.
These gratitudes are real and valid. They don't need to erase your pain to be meaningful.
Permission to Grieve the Unfairness
At the same time, I would like you to try and acknowledge that it's okay to grieve that you're here in the first place. It's okay to feel angry that others conceive easily while you face month after month of disappointment. It's okay to wish your story was different.
This grief doesn't negate your gratitude. It simply acknowledges the reality that this journey is hard and unfair in ways that those who haven't walked it may never fully understand.
This Week's Self-Care Exercise: Both/And Practice
This week, try completing these sentences without judgment:
"I am grateful for _________ AND I am struggling with _________."
"I feel blessed to have _________ AND I still long for _________."
"I appreciate that _________ AND I wish _________."
Notice how it feels to hold both truths simultaneously. You might find that acknowledging your struggles actually makes space for more genuine gratitude, rather than the forced kind that leaves you feeling guilty.
Let Me Know Your Thoughts
How do you navigate gratitude on your fertility journey? I'd love to hear what you've found helpful, or what you're struggling with. Your insights often become the foundation for future newsletters.
And, if you'd like to contribute to a future newsletter, please reply to this email. Your story matters, and this is a safe space to share it.
One more thing...
I've been working with Fertility Action on important research about men's mental health during fertility challenges. If you are male or have a male partner going through this journey, or if you know someone who does, would you mind sharing this survey with them? Your voices and experiences matter deeply, and this research will help improve support for men on the fertility journey.
Men's Mental Health Survey
Remember Reader: You did not choose this, it is not your fault, and you are not alone.
With compassion,
Dr. Grace 💕
@thenotsofertilepsychologist
