Beyond The Wait...
A Newsletter for Those Navigating the Complex Emotions of Infertility
Issue #33 21st September 2026
Dear Reader,
A few weeks ago I shared a post about the things that should be illegal to say to someone struggling with infertility. From the response it got, it was clear this struck a nerve for a lot of people.
And it made me think. Because as helpful as it is to collectively agree that some of these comments are truly awful, what most of you might need, alongside validation that the comments are really bad, is help in thinking about what to say back.
So, this month, that's what I want to give you.
Deep Dive: What to Actually Say When Someone Gets It Wrong
Why These Comments Hit So Hard
Before we get to potential responses, I think it's worth thinking about why these comments are so painful in the first place, because it's not always obvious to the people saying them.
Most of the time, the person speaking genuinely means well. They are uncomfortable with your pain and are ultimately trying to fix it. The problem is that their responses (reassurance, silver linings, advice, comparisons) all tend to communicate, even unintentionally that 1: your feelings are too much, so let me help you feel something else instead and 2: I don’t understand, you are alone in this.
When you are already carrying grief that the world doesn't acknowledge, being nudged toward a different feeling by someone who loves you is genuinely painful.
The other difficulty is that these comments often come at the worst possible moments, after a negative test, at a family gathering, mid-treatment, which means you're already depleted when you have to navigate them.
You Don't Have to Educate Everyone
The first thing I want to say is that you are not obligated to respond to every comment with kindness, patience, or a teachable moment. You are allowed to simply say "thanks" and change the subject, or to go quiet, or to walk away.
Sometimes you just don't have it in you, and that is okay. I think it’s about choosing who you want to put this sort of energy in to, and when.
But, for the moments when you do want to say something (when you want to hold a boundary, or help someone understand, or simply stop the conversation going further), having a few words ready can make a real difference. So here are some scripts for the comments that came up most.
"Just relax / it'll happen when you least expect it"
This one is a challenge because it implies your stress is part of the problem. A gentle but clear response:
"I know you mean that kindly, but relaxing isn't really something that affects fertility in the way people think. What would actually help me is just feeling heard rather than advised."
Or, if you have less energy for explanation: "I appreciate you trying to help but I’m finding it hard at the moment and it’s not that straight forward."
"At least you know you can get pregnant / have money for children / have one child etc."
The "at least" comments are some of the most painful because they minimise your own losses. You can gentle challenge that:
"I understand why that might seem like a comfort, but it doesn't really take away the pain of what we're going through right now."
Or simply: "It's still really hard." You don't owe anyone any more than that.
"Have you tried..."
Whether it's a particular diet, going on holiday, cutting out caffeine, or something someone read online, unsolicited advice can feel like a suggestion that you haven't tried hard enough.
"We're working closely with our medical team on evidence based next steps, but thank you."
"Everything happens for a reason / maybe it's not meant to be"
These are perhaps the hardest to hear because they can touch on some of the most painful thoughts people already have about themselves.
"I really struggle with that idea when it comes to infertility. There isn't a reason that would make this okay for me."
Or, it is completely fine to just say: "I find that quite hard to hear." Naming it, even briefly, may be enough.
"You can always adopt"
Said as though adoption is a simple solution rather than a hugely complex journey that is definitely not for everyone.
"Adoption is not a straightforward alternative and it wouldn’t take away how difficult what we're going through right now is."
The Aftermath
Even when you handle these moments the way you hoped, they can leave you feeling all sorts of ways. An anger, sadness, or meh feeling can stick with you through the rest of the day. Which makes complete sense, being on the receiving end of comments that minimise your experience, however well-intentioned, is a painful experience (especially if they come from the ones you love).
Be kind to yourself about that. You didn't say the wrong thing, there is no such thing, you navigated something genuinely hard.
This Week's Self-Care Exercise: The Debrief
After a difficult conversation, whether you handled it how you hoped, or you wish you'd done something different, try this short written debrief.
Write down: what was said, how it landed, and what you actually needed in that moment.
Getting it out of your head and onto paper helps you process the experience. And you may reflect on how you’d like to change your response in the future, if similar comments come your way.
You may also find the same comments keep coming from the same person and, if so, it might be worth thinking ahead of time about whether you want to address it with them more directly, or simply limit what you share about your journey with that person moving forward.
This isn’t about closing yourself off, it’s about making choices that are helpful for your own self-care.
Let me know your thoughts
What are the comments you find hardest to navigate? And is there anything you've found that actually works to say back? As always, I'd love to hear, and your responses often become the ideal for future editions.
Remember Reader: You did not choose this, it is not your fault, and you are not alone.
With compassion,
Dr. Grace 💕
@thenotsofertilepsychologist
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